The ultimate question of all questions… Are you a Boob man, an Ass man, or perhaps a Pussy man? Or maybe you’re more into a girl’s personality than her body? (Psh! Gay!) If you’re a Boob guy, boy, do I have good news for you! I present to you… Boob Wars! …Oh, sorry, that’s the Ultimate Boob Wars. Now 72% more Ultimate than the previous Wars!
Hearing I was going to play test another nukige from Softhouse Seal, I was both happy and terrified. Naturally I was happy because my experience with Softhouse Seal nukiges has been 100% positive so far. But I was terrified that I’d have to live in exile while playing this game due to the sheer amount of boobs in it.
And oh my God… This game has boobs. And boobs. And boobs. And some boobs. And boobs. And I believe a few boobs as well. Oh, and there’s boobs in the game alongside the boobs. The game immediately starts with its opening movie after the standard warnings. It immediately proves its point it’s all about the boobs, though it luckily also shows there’s perhaps a bit more to it than that.
The opening movie is so… sugary! I could just lick the screen! N-Not that I tried…! *cough*
But yeah, boobs. It’s still obviously about them. There’s no escaping them! As mentioned, the opening movie has boobs in it (though perhaps not as much as you’d think). And the title screen of course also has boobs. …But even when you think you’re going to a peaceful town, suddenly there’s a huge boob in the background! Whah!
After a while, it was like I was playing The Smurfs, only boob-themed! “Hey, I totally boobed today in the boob. What do you boob about that?” “Wow, that’s boob! Great boob, boob! Hahaha, boob!“. There’s plenty of boob puns, and sometimes I had to look them up to see if the pun is accurate. Because of this game, my search history looks very weird! I won’t spoil what I searched due to, well, spoilers, but I can completely understand those people who’d want their search history destroyed when they die! I’ll have to add that to my will as well now! So, I hope you also can understand I definitely don’t want my parents catching me playing this game! So, naturally, I tried to make the game as inconspicuous as possible, renaming the icon that happily appeared on my desktop after installation.
Yes, my desktop is very clean. Thank you for noticing! But this is not the time to praise me for my orderliness! We must go onwards with boobs! An example of these boobs in the game is… the prologue! The game opens with this epic, very religious-feeling text, talking about the Tittynomachia. (You know, Titanomachia, except boobs) I was getting into the epic mood… and then suddenly, ohmygoddragontits!
The game has a talent for building up things in a cool or epic way only to have it end in a silly anticlimax. You’d say a nukige only deals in climaxes, but nope! Get a free anti-climax for every climax in Ultimate Boob Wars! (This limited-time offer expires Tuesday morning 2022.) Speaking of climaxes… all throughout the game, I’ve been waiting for one particular expression to appear. In fact, I’d have considered it a crime if this expression didn’t appear in the game… But luckily, lo and behold!
Having waited for this throughout the whole game and finally seeing it… It’s like an orgasm, man! Not the physical one where you spray your stuff all over the room, but the mental one you get from finally figuring things out, like deducing who the murderer is or finding out your father is actually the mailman who keeps charmingly winking at you when he delivers your mail. That’s how I felt! Also, do you see that little boob icon in the text? Yes, the icon to advance the text is boobs. Everything is boobs. Boob is love, boob is life!
…And I think that’s everything boob-related I wanted to say about this game… So with that out of the way, let’s talk about the part of Boob Wars that’s not boobs. (Like 2% of the game.)
Since this is a game with a fair share of small ladies, you can also expect it’s a game with a fair share of high-pitched squeaky voices, as if you’re dining at a restaurant where all the waiters wear only rubber soles on the wooden floor and have pet hamsters, mice and rats on their shoulders. Oh, and your date is a parakeet. So, if you get home, the last thing you want is more squeakiness. Luckily the game offers you to set the volume for the individual voices. So if you don’t want to hear, say, Boweene’s voice, you can totally silence that bitch! (In a totally legal way, too!)
By the way, do you see those names? Milphalia Ur Urrila? Aria Aliialia? All these characters have very convoluted names, and I’m undecided whether that’s awesome or just downright strange. Also, I’ve scoured through the game, but wasn’t able to find a character named “Others”. Who’d name their kid “Others” anyway? Way to make them feel excluded, Mom and Dad!
It seems like it’s a trend with games that have come out recently, but I feel like pointing it out every time, because I still enjoy it a lot! This game doesn’t audio-censor the word “Penis” or “Pussy” or whatever. So there are no annoying beeps during the sex scenes. (And believe me, they say Penis a lot! The resulting beeps would’ve been deafening!) Speaking of the sex scenes, they’re animated! I remember when I was but a wee lad and I was mind-blown by sex scenes being animated, but Ultimate Boob Wars tries to trump even this! 52% of the sex scenes are animated! Fifty-two percent! That’s like more than half of them! And to make it even better, you have animation controls during these sex scenes, so you can zoom in on your favorite (private) parts or whatever the heck you want! Boobalicious!
You might say that half of the scenes being animated isn’t too impressive… But it’s impressive, I tell you! 33 out of 64 scenes are animated! Yes, you heard me right… 64 sex scenes! 33 animated! Some of the sex scenes have multiple parts, even! This game is more packed with sex scenes than my house is with relatives during a birthday party! (I swear, it smells like sweat and farts during birthday parties here…) So, if you get this game, depending on your ejaculation rate, you’ll be busy for quite a while! …Having to go through it all in a few weeks with nary a fap makes this a bit of a mind-numbing experience, though. I don’t recommend that if you want to stay sane! (Luckily I already lost my sanity to Apple Horse, so I didn’t suffer any damages.)
The first 6 girls you see up there (Milphalia to Chocolat) are main characters and have their own route, all with 9 sex scenes each! (Wow! Much sex!) Aria has 3, Lumha has 2 and Tiara has 1. Then there are 4 special endings with their own sex scenes, and that makes, uh… 9 * 6 + 3 + 2 + 1 + 4 = 64 sex scenes! Trust me, I’m a mathematician. In case you hadn’t noticed yet, this game is massive!
The game is so massive, it also has a lot of locations alongside having plenty of characters. It may sound strange, but the enormous amount of locations, languages, characters and even lore really made this game come to life for me. Surely, it doesn’t go TOO deep, but I still appreciate the effort that went into this, even if all the locations are named after boobs. If you’re not one for puns, this might be a bit tough to handle.
So, that said… let’s talk about the characters and the story! (Pfft! Story in a nukige!) The protagonist is Haruto… The only guy in the continent who loves all boobs equally in this time of war. He’s sent on a holy mission to collect boob energy to save the land and spread mammary equality!
Along the way, Haruto meets a variety of girls and has sex with them all. Yep. And like Kyousuke in Greatest Inventions, he also has the policy to please the girl during this sex. (Unlike Kyousuke, though, he doesn’t really use gadgets or trickery.) …Wait, I was supposed to stop talking about the sex! Anyway, all the girls are at least interesting to some degree. Or that’s what I thought, anyway! I have a peculiar taste, so maybe not everyone will agree? There are 4 characters on the Flat Chest side, 4 on the Big Breast side and 1 on the Medium Breast side. Yes, there’s one secret Tribe of Medium Breasts! The character from this Tribe happens to be your true sister. No step-sister nonsense! Full-blood sister ready to bam! …For those who know my fetishes, that had my blood boiling. In the good way!
All 6 main characters have their own route with their own ending, and there are 4 special endings… This makes for 9 different ways to end the Boob Wars. (Trust me, the math checks out.) It was actually interesting to see how the Boob Wars were ended in various ways. There’s ending the Boob Wars through Manipulation, Diplomacy, Legend, Military, Family, Magic, Temptation, Infiltration and Defeat. See? That’s 9! Math checks out. I’m a true mathematician! …Some of these endings were actually pretty cool and/or sweet and maybe even a bit sad. It surprised me that this nukige made me feel these things (though admittedly not on too great of a scale like Kanon did *sniff*).
By the way, every ending was strangely satisfying because of the ending theme. I’m not sure how to describe it, but it was like some sort of cool yet cute Japanese rap or something… At the very least, the Fu, Ku, Ha, No were all blasting through my ears at a rapid pace! I already don’t understand Japanese, but I understood this rap even less! And that strangely made me like it more! That’s how my brain works! Why do I keep screaming! I think I turned deaf from all the Fu, Ku, Ha, No!
Haruto’s love for boobs is so immense (which is also why he’s the chosen Savior of the Land) that he sometimes convinces me of the greatness of boobs. Now, don’t get me wrong… I always thought boobs were great, but he’s making me look forward to boobs like I do to barbecued spareribs with his inspirational speeches about mammary equality. I used to be an agnostic atheist (yes, that’s a thing) but after this game I think I’ll be an agnostic boobyist. He really did make me see the good of both Big Breasts and Flat Chests! Something I didn’t even conceive possible! But Haruto is just that good! And what I also like about him is how he actually has a face!
His face is actually gone during sex scenes, though, for those people who don’t like seeing a dude’s face while doing the nasty nasty. I personally wouldn’t have minded seeing that handsome mug during the most intimate moments, though. No homo. …Okay, maybe just a little bit homo.
And now of course the ultimate question. Yes, a different more ultimate question than the one I started with. Which side am I on? Big Breasts or Flat Chests? (Medium Breasts are exempt.) Well… If I had to judge by purely the body type, I’d go for the Big Breasts, actually. If I were to go by character and personality, though? Definitely the Flat Chests! The Flat Chests have Chocolat and Aria! You can’t beat those two! Sorry, Big Breasts!
And that’s all I have to say about Ultimate Boob Wars. Nurio, out!